La Vie Boheme

Various Artists

(Downstage right, the PRINCIPALS have lined up and are waiting to be
seated. A large table is situated down center. Down and to the right,
BENNY and MR. GREY are seated at a smaller table. The RESTAURANT
MAN tries to shoo our friends out)

RESTAURANT MAN

No please no

Not tonight please no

Mister can't you go

Not tonight can't have a scene

ROGER

What?

RESTAURANT MAN

Go, please go;

You - Hello, sir

I said, "No"

Important customer

MARK

What am I just a blur?

RESTAURANT MAN

You sit all night you never buy

MARK

That's a lie that's a lie

I had a tea the other day

RESTAURANT MAN

You couldn't pay

MARK

Oh yeah

COLLINS

Benjamin Coffin III - here?

RESTAURANT MAN

Oh no

ALL

Wine and beer!

MAUREEN

The enemy of Avenue A

We'll stay

(They sit)

RESTAURANT MAN

Oy vey!

COLLINS

What brings the mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?

BENNY

I would like to propose a toast

To Maureen's noble try

It went well

MAUREEN

Go to hell

BENNY

Was the yuppie scum stomped

Not counting the homeless

How many tickets weren't comped

ROGER

Why did Muffy-

BENNY

Alison

ROGER

Miss the show?

BENNY

There was a death in the family

If you must know

ANGEL

Who died?

BENNY

Our Akita

BENNY, MARK, ANGEL, COLLINS

Evita

BENNY

Mimi I'm surprised

A bright and charming girl like you

Hangs out with these slackers

(Who don't adhere to deals)

They make fun yet I'm the one

Attempting to do some good

Or do you really want a neighborhood

Where people piss on your stoop every night?

Bohemia, Bohemia's

A fallacy in your head

This is Calcutta

Bohemia is dead

(The BOHEMIANS immediately begin to enact a mock funeral, with

MARK delivering the "eulogy")

MARK

Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes

COLLINS & ROGER

Dies irae dies illa

Kyrie eleison

Yitgadal v' yitkadash, etc.

MARK

Here she lies

No one knew her worth

The late great daughter of mother earth

On this night when we celebrate the birth

In that little town of Bethlehem

We raise our glass- you bet your ass to-

(MAUREEN flashes hers)

La vie Boheme

ALL

La vie Boheme

La vie Boheme

La vie Boheme

La vie Boheme

MARK

To days of inspiration

Playing hookie, making something out of nothing

The need to express

To communicate,

To going against the grain,

Going insane

Going mad

To loving tension, no pension

To more than one dimension,

To starving for attention,

Hating convention, hating pretension

Not to mention of course,

Hating dear old mom and dad

To riding your bike,

Midday past the three- piece suits

To fruits to no absolutes

To Absolute- to choice

To the Village Voice

To any passing fad

To being an us-for once-, instead of a them -

ALL

La vie Boheme

La vie Boheme

(JOANNE enters)

MAUREEN

Is the equipment in a pyramid?

JOANNE

It is, Maureen

MAUREEN

The mixer doesn't have a case

Don't give me that face

(MAUREEN smacks JOANNE's ass as she exits. MR. GREY reacts)

MR. GREY

Ahhemm

MAUREEN

Hey Mister- she's my sister

RESTAURANT MAN

So that's five miso soup, four seaweed salad

Three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter

And one pasta with meatless balls

A BOY

Ugh

COLLINS

It tastes the same

MIMI

If you close your eyes

RESTAURANT MAN

And thirteen orders of fries

Is that it here?

ALL

Wine and beer!

MIMI & ANGEL

To hand-crafted be ers made in local breweries

To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese

To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo

To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou

MAUREEN & COLLINS

Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion

Creation, vacation

MARK

Mucho masturbation

MAUREEN & COLLINS

Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new

COLLINS

To Sontag

ANGEL

To Sondheim

FOUR PEOPLE

To anything taboo

COLLINS & ROGER

Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage

COLLINS

Lenny Bruce

ROGER

Langston Hughes

MAUREEN

To the stage

PERSON #1

To Uta

PERSON #2

To Buddha

PERSON #3

Pablo Neruda, too

MARK & MIMI

Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow

To blow off Auntie Em

ALL

La vie Boheme

(JOANNE returns)

MAUREEN

And wipe the speakers off before you pack

JOANNE

Yes, Maureen

MAUREEN

Well - hurry back

(MAUREEN and JOANNE kiss)

MR. GREY

Sisters?

MAUREEN

We're close

(ANGEL jumps on top of COLLINS, who's on the table. They kiss)

ANGEL, COLLINS, MAUREEN, MARK, MR. GREY

Brothers!

MARK, ANGEL, MIMI & THREE OTHERS

Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,

Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman

German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein

Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa

Carmina Burana

ALL

To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy

Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC,

To no shame - never playing the Fame Game

COLLINS

To marijuana

ALL

To sodomy,

It's between God and me

To S & M

(MR. GREY walks out)

BENNY

Waiter...Waiter...Waiter

ALL

La vie Boheme

COLLINS

In honor of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence

immediately following dinner

Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn

chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred

ROGER

Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an
erection on high holy days

(ROGER picks up an electric guitar and starts to tune it)

MARK

Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the

eleventh street lot,

Will sing native american tribal chants backwards through her vocoder,

While accompanying herself on the electric cello

Which she has never studied

(At this point, JOANNE has entered and seen MAUREEN playfully kiss

MARK. JOANNE exits. BENNY pulls MIMI aside)

BENNY

Your new boyfriend doesn't know about us?

MIMI

There's nothing to know

BENNY

Don't you think that we should discuss-

MIMI

It was three months ago

BENNY

He doesn't act like he's with you

MIMI

We're taking it slow

BENNY

Where is he now?

MIMI

He's right - hmm

BENNY

Uh huh

MIMI

Where'd he go?

MARK

Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song

(ROGER picks up a guitar and plays Musetta's Theme)

That doesn't remind us of "Musetta's Waltz"

COLLINS

Angel Dumott Schunard will now model the latest fall fashions from Paris

While accompanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub

ANGEL

And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist

Including the successful reprogramming of the M.I.T. virtual reality equipment

To self-destruct, as it broadcast the words:

ALL

"Actual reality -- Act Up -- Fight AIDS"

BENNY

Check!

(BENNY exits. Lights on MIMI and ROGER)

MIMI

Excuse me did I do something wrong?

I get invited then ignored all night long

ROGER

I've been trying I'm not lying

No one's perfect I've got baggage

MIMI

Life's too short, babe, time is flying

I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine

ROGER

I should tell, you-

MIMI

I've got baggage too

ROGER

I should tell you

MIMI

I got baggage, too

ROGER

I should tell you

BOTH

Baggage - wine

OTHERS

And beer!

(Several beepers sound. Each turns off his or her beeper)

MIMI

AZT break

(MIMI, ROGER, ANGEL, and COLLINS take pills)

ROGER

You?

MIMI

Me , You?

ROGER

Mimi

(They hold hands and stare into each other's eyes lovingly. The rest of the

company freezes)

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