There are more verses to this than you can imagine. In fact, there are an
infinite number. People continue to make them up all the time. First are
the words to the original recording. It was written by Ben Samberg (a/k/a
Benny Bell) and sung by Phil Winston (a/k/a Paul Wynn). It originally
came out in 1946, but finally hit the Billboard charts in 1975!
This original recording is available on many 45's, as well as the original
Paul Wynn album of 78's called _Cocktail Party Songs_, the LP/CD _Dr.
Demento Presents the Greatest Novelty Records of All Time, Vol. 1 - The
1940's (and before!)_, Rhino 820, 1985, and the CD/CS _Dr. Demento's 25th
Anniversary Collection_, Rhino 72124, 1995. Dr. Demento sings it on _Dr.
Demento's Dementia Royale_, Rhino LP/CS 10, 1980, and also sings it
periodically on his radio show.
After the original version are many other verses, though these are just a
sampling.
I have a sad story to tell you.
It may hurt your feelings a bit.
Last night when I walked into my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of ...
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and you'll always look keen.
[This chorus is repeated after every verse.]
I think I'll break off with my girlfriend.
Her antics are queer I'll admit.
Each time I say, "Darling, I love you,"
She tells me that I'm full of ...
Our baby fell out of the window.
You'd think that her head would be split.
But good luck was with her that morning;
She fell in a barrel of ...
An old lady died in a bathtub;
She died from a terrible fit.
In order to fulfill her wishes,
She was buried in six feet of ...
When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked into my kit.
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with ...
And now, folks, my story is ended.
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended,
Stick your head in a barrel of ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A demented song I will sing you,
A classic of poetry and wit.
Last night while I was in my bathroom,
I stepped in a pile of
I asked to come out and play baseball
I'd just bought a new catchers' mitt;
I asked you to throw me a fastball
but you threw me a big lump of
Here we are in this fine health food restaurant.
I hate to be picking a nit.
But waiter, I ordered your yogurt surprise,
And you brought me a plate full of
Last night we all had a big snowstorm,
And it's time to shovel, isn't it?
Now the only good thing I can say about shoveling snow,
Is, it's better than shoveling
They built a big wall in East Berlin.
The biggest one that would fit.
But I found out what that Berlin wall was made of.
Well the whole thing was nothing but
I put all my money in savings,
So I'd never have to worry, not a bit.
But you see, it was Lincoln Savings,
Now my money is all shot to
I once went out to the ballpark
To try out my new catchers mit,
I asked them to throw me a fast ball,
But instead they threw me some..
Once while I was at the ball game,
The batter smashed out a hit.
But while he was running for second,
He slipped in a big pile of..
Here we are in this fancy French restruant,
And I hate to be picking a bit,
But I ordered creamed fishie-soi
And the waiter brought me a bowl of..
Our producer looks good in the morning,
I'll tell you what makes him so fit,
Instead of using cold cream,
He rubs in a big handful of..
Last Saturday I went out jogging,
I like to keep physically fit,
But when I looked down at my Reeboks,
Well, the soles were all covered with {Dr. D:Where Rover goes, nothing
grows!}
Let's have a cheer for our Raiders!
They're truly a team with true grit,
But when they fumbled that kickoff in the second half this afternoon,
Ten million fans, in unison, said, "Oh,... {Dr. D: "And one for the
Rams!"}
Now the Rams, they are going to Chicago,
But the Bears are the oddsmakers' favorite,
Now, Chicago is beautiful in October,
But in January it's colder than ...
Here we are in this Mexican restaurant,
I hate to be picking a nit,
But waiter, I ordered "El Burrito Supremo,"
And you brought me a plate full of ...
I am fed up with all politicians!
On Republicans and Democrats I spit!
They promise you peace and prosperity and a good job,
And what do they give you? ...
Our Christmas tree, it was so gorgeous,
So brightly and brilliantly lit,
And underneath were all of my presents!
Yeah, boxes and boxes of ... {Dr. D: "Just kidding, folks!"}
I was laughing so hard at this music,
I thought that my sides they would split,
I stopped laughing just now, however
'Cause my pants just filled up with ...
My program was nearly completed,
In 640K it did fit,
But then I wrote "just one more feature,"
And my program was blown all to ...
I went swimming in beautiful Lake Ontario
I thought I would cool off a bit
But when I stepped out of the water
Yech - my body was covered in ...
I bought a computer by mail...
It arrived at my door in a kit.
But although I followed instructions,
I ended up with a box full of ...
I was reading the BITNET one day...
Full of rumors, flames and quips
Instead of being educated
All I got was a queue full of ...
I went out last night to the opera,
I thought I'd relax for a bit.
But when I sat down in my box seat
I found it was covered with...
I thought I would make me some tie-dyes
And bought many boxes of Rit.
But after I dyed all my T-shirts
They all were the color of...
My in-laws came over to visit,
But left in a terrible snit
Because I suggested for dinner
That they should have plates full of...
And now, folkes, my song, it is ended,
I do hope that you will admit,
That if any of you feel offended
You can stick your head in a bucket of